frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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