Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize