Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
