SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My bed smells like the plague
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
