My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I think my fart just growled at me.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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