I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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