Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
