So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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