You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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