I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
