Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Is Oprah even human
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
