Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
