tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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