I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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