I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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