cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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