Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
