franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
