I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
