Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
