I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize