six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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