Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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