some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
