Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
