my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
