The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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