Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
