He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
