So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
