i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
