I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize