I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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