apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Boobs speak an international language.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
