I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
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