just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Randomize
