This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
