i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
