the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
