Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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