I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I can't turn off my feet"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
