From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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