chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
