Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize