I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
