So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
