There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
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