if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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