I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He shit in the fireplace
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
