hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize