I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
