the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize