i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
