My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
