I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
