I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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