The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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