Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
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