Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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