we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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