i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
