I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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