Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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