Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
